Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Very Special Message From Kaz Hirai

I just received a personal email from none other than Sony's own president and most public figure, Kaz Hirai. In a remarkable display of humble and frank words, Mr Hirai went right to the point:

"Chronic, Im here to promise you that the PS4 wont suck. Although with the PS3 you displayed bravery and true loyalty to our PS brand by purchasing an enormous $700 dust magnet with a laughable 20GB HDD and no launch titles to speak of, we acknowledge the epic failure that the PS3 launch was and aim to make the PS4's launch not quite as disastrous. It took us years to attain the basic features and high sales numbers of the Xbox 360, (and even then we are still considered 2nd class), so we felt we needed to bring out the PS4 right now, TODAY to show you how serious and committed we are at Sony to the Playstation brand. We won't be beaten to the punch again by some whiteboys from Seattle who think they are slick. Hell no. We might be hemorrhaging millions on the Vita, but we maxed out all our Bank of Tokyo credit cards and really put a lot of work and money (mostly money) into developing the PS4. It is going to be better! I am sure of it.

Sure, you might remember the PS3 launch with our hollow, empty promises of 60FPS with native 1080P for every game, the 6 years of development it took to finally release GT5, the truly spectacular debacle that PS Home is, or the fact that we allowed Russian hackers to steal your user credentials and download naked pictures of you from your PS3 HDD. We are truly sorry about that. But we know you will forgive us, Chronic, because we know you are a real Sony fan. We know that you will be thrilled about exciting, new features, like Amazon Video and Netflix Instant coming to the PS4, or exciting, all new games like Killzone, God of War, Little Big Planet, Infamous, and Gran Turismo - which while they likely wont be available for launch, should be coming anytime in the next few dozen months or so.

There are some great features we cant fully talk about yet - like "True Game Security" - which prevents anyone from ever stealing your games and playing them on their system. THAT wont be possible on the PS4, haha!!! The only person who can ever play your games is you Chronic, on your own PS4 console. This represents a true breakthrough in user game security, because we know the only person who deserves to play the great products we create is the very first person who buys them. I'd love to tell you more, but I have a press conference to go to. Thanks, and give all your blog readers a big high five from Kaz!!!"


Darth said...

I am disappoint. Not a single word from The Last Guardian, the next game from the creators of Ico and Shadow of the Colossus and my sole reason to buy a PS3...

Last rumour I heard about it was that they were going to cancel it, but when checking for a release date I found nothing except 'To be announced'.

What gives Mr Hirai?

md said...

lol. That was a wonderful read, Chronic. I wouldn't mind a Microsoft version too when the time is right.

Oh used games, how I love you. Alas, a system that does not support used games will not find a place in my home. New games that lose their monetary value instantly upon purchase are for the rich.

The PS4 is a witch! BURN her! BUUURRRNNN! Actually, I'm somewhat interested to here more about the integrated CPU and GPU, but I'm guessing it doesn't boil down to much... GDDR5000! 6 million Teraflops! lol

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md said...

^ Some of a bitch, this guy hit the nail on the head. The PS4 IS a humidifier!!

Bond said...

They really need a humidifier in the 720.

ubercrunch said...

Classic post.

umo said...

That sums it up well.

Here is an 'abridged' version of the event from some UK guys :)

Chronic said...

Dude, vaporizers are SWEET. If the PS4 has a vaporizer in it, IM BUYING ONE at launch! Kaz, are you listening?

Also, take note: I endorse PAX portable vaporizers: (POTHEADS COPY AND PASTE THIS LINK)